It’s dark, it’s gloomy… Pitch black. What do I do?! My phone is out of battery. No electricity. No light. No signal. I try to find my way around. I trip, grazing my knee against the wet concrete. I feel no pain. I feel scared. In the corner of my eye, I manage to capture a tiny little light, I follow it. Can’t keep my hopes too high though. I don’t even know if I’m hallucinating, I feel ill. As I approach the light, I realise that it’s actually a lamppost. I’m outdoors, that helps, at least I’m not in an enclosed space. I shout for help, but all I can hear is my echo. No sign of any living thing. I feel my pulse rebounding around my head, and the thunder bolts running through my chest. I have no hope, neither happiness. I drop to the floor, I cry, I sigh. I must make it…
I get to my feet, wipe my tears and I’m off! Still no signal, daylight soon. Can’t wait, I can’t be too far from home.
March 12, 2014 at 9:43 am
This piece is developing well, Ibby. The one aspect I’d encourage you to look at is your choice to start most sentences with the pronoun, I. I’d encourage you to explore alternative constructions – for example starting some of the descriptive sentences with a preposition instead.
The immediacy and the use of varying sentence forms is great.
CW
March 14, 2014 at 12:35 pm
Another area to concentrate on is sentence demarcation – when is something a sentence, and when is it a clause within a sentence? If you’re having trouble determining this (which looks to be the case) speak to me about how to solve this problem.
CW